Inspired bythecreativepenn.com's new book, The Healthy Writer, I wrote a letter breaking up with Sugar.
Dear Sugar,
I'm tired and sad. And I'm pretty sure it's because of my involvement with you.
There's nothing wrong with you (although your cousin High Fructose Corn Syrup is evil); it's me.
You're far too seductive for me. I can't taste just a little or I jones until my next fix. You're highly addictive. Or maybe that's me, too.
At any rate, we're not good together. I can feel it. Sometimes the fascia under my skin vibrates. I feel sick to my stomach and headache-y and still I eat on, thinking "Maybe this time it'll make me feel better." Or even, "I don't care if I feel bad, I can't stop anyway!"
And I despise myself for that weakness. It's LAME. So then I feel lame. And a downward spiral spins so deep, I can't fathom a way back up. I huddle there, cold, exhausted, and not wanting to be conscious anymore. Escapist movies and more food cravings accompany me. I can't see my way out. Usually I hold my breath until eventually I break the surface.
I just can't live like that.
It's not worth the high anymore.
And, truthfully, I'm devastated about that.
I like you, Sugar.
I crave you.
You're fun to have at parties, or to snuggle up with in the evenings after dinner, while we watch movies together.
We've been together for a long, long time. 43 years, even.
But I just can't be with you anymore.
I get sick when I'm around you. I am an addict.
I don't care about myself or anyone else when you are around.
You affect my ability to make rational and healthy choices for myself.
I just can't anymore. Even though I'm scared to live without you. Even though I'm sad to live without you.
I love you, Sugar, but this is good-bye.
Valerie
***
After I signed my name, I wept. I felt terrified and hopeless. Not at all invigorated and inspired like I thought I would. Kind-of numb, too. Already thinking of other ways I can medicate the pain/fear away...(I don't even know if Netflix will work anymore, since the two went hand-in-hand.)